NOPE! You Do Not Have Access!!

“Nah, I simply set a boundary saying I don’t want to talk to you right now, and you’re pushing it.”

To my chagrin, that was a text message I received from my 19-year-old daughter in response to my repeated attempts to call her after a disagreement we had just had.

Reading that message felt like a jolt to the heart, a punch to the stomach, a shock to my system as a mother.

Boundaries? Boundaries with me? She needs to set a boundary with me, her mom, her biggest fan???

I cannot fully express how I felt at that moment, as my body and mind couldn’t catch up to the whirlwind of emotions I experienced.

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I’ve just started learning how to create boundaries in my own life after being on this planet for many decades, and I understand why I needed to establish them, to foster autonomy and maintain my well-being.

So when my bright, 19 year old Leo daughter set a boundary with me, it threw me off balance. Is that how others felt when I began to create boundaries and define the type and amount of access they had in my life?

Was my daughter rejecting me?

No, she was creating space for herself to feel comfortable with a decision she had thoughtfully considered for months. All she wanted from me was a sounding board and support, trusting that she had made the best choice for herself in leaving a job she loved.

What she did not need was my knee jerk reactive mommy response filled with doubts and insecurities projected onto her.

As parents, we often hope to show up as wise, supportive figures, capable of understanding and championing our children. But sometimes, we miss the mark.

So, what did I learn quickly at that moment about myself and my daughter today?

That I can be put in the timeout seat by my own kids, and I’m okay with that now.

I’ve always taught my children what I struggled to learn myself…

To set healthy boundaries with others.

If something or someone makes them uncomfortable, they should remove themselves from the situation or create the space they need to process what doesn’t feel right.

And that is exactly what she did with me, and I’m incredibly proud of her for it!

So, how does this story end?

I pulled myself together, put on my big girl mommy pants, and humbled myself by giving her the space she needed and respecting her boundary.

I sent her a voice message apologizing for not being supportive in the way she needed and letting her know I completely understood. I expressed my pride in her for making a well thought out decision, and reassured her that I have faith in her ability to figure things out.

And most importantly, I reminded her that I love her.

She responded with a long message, sharing her thoughts about her decision that I believe she had wanted to communicate earlier had I been present, rather than lost in my worries.

She ended with what matters most to me:

“I love you too, and thank you.”

Whew! Music to my ears.

I learned that, even with the best intentions, sometimes, most times, people don’t need to hear your opinions. You can project your discomfort onto others' choices, choices that perhaps you wouldn’t have made for yourself.

She picked up on that loud and clear and declared, “NOPE!”

Boundary set…

And I love her for it. (looks like she was listening to me all these years) 🥹

The parenting life lessons never stop, and I'm okay with that because I want to keep growing.

And I want the same for my kids!

That is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.