Hormonal Hell and Husbands-In My, I Don’t Care Phase.

“If womanhood, motherhood, heck…humanhood feels like a sacred spiral, part spiritual practice, part primal scream, Momtemplative, is where you’ll feel seen. I invite readers to slow down, contemplate life, and everything in between. Because, let’s be honest, there’s a lot that happens in the in-between.”

“Do you ever feel like the big secret is that we are gods? We fuc-ing create life. We are so powerful.” Rachel Yoder

The last months have probably been some of the most life, soul sucking, dream draining weeks that I've had in a very long time. To say that my menopausal hormones are fully online and present is an understatement, and all I could do many days was just sit on my couch and binge-watch mind-numbing shows because I just could not get myself motivated to do anything.

I'm in full blown…I could give two fudgers phase beyond what you can believe, even myself.

I am coming apart at the seams, literally…the mind, hair and body are doing things its never done before and I don't feel like prettyfying myself to make others be comfortable with my discomfort.

When they say the hormones are raging, I get it now. Because I feel like Raging! Roaring!! Out loud! From some primal part that is surfacing from somewhere deep inside of me.

Camila Quintero Franco for Unsplash

I don't recognize this person emerging but I sense I know her…on a soulful level. She's primal, ancient and unapologetic for feeling what she feels anymore.

I feel like I need to run into the wild and set her free, to just let it all out whatever I have internalized all these years but never spoken out loud or lived.

It's one of those feelings that feels like something is sitting on your chest and just will not let you up. And it's not something that you can explain to anyone. It's not something you can fix. It's just something that you have to allow until it moves through you.

Now, the biggest challenge is when someone like said husband is looking on in close proximity witnessing this metamorphosis and he's not used to seeing you like this. And I'm sure in that man brain of his, he's thinking to himself: Huh, why is she so snappy all the time all of a sudden. Why is she just sitting around? Is there something that she could be doing other than just sitting around? Here she goes, watching hours and hours of Netflix again...and why does she look at me like she wants to eat me?

So, I had a conversation with my husband that kind of led to a bit of an argument, where he had decided to verbalize what he was feeling and seeing, and proceeds to tell me, You know, Tony Robbins says...

And oh boy, that was it. All he had to do was mention some kind of fix it guru, "this is the answer to all your emotions and your feelings and you'll be good." And I think the thing with him is that he just feels uncomfortable. He feels uncomfortable with me in this new state that I've been in, that I just can't seem to control.

So instead of pouncing him, I just stared at him like a lion eyeing its prey, speaking very slowly, because I knew that if I let come out of my mouth what really wanted to come out, it would not have fared well for either one of us.

So in the event that I still want to be married and I don't want to eat my husband, I just nodded and told him in a very hormonal polite way that I could muster:

This is not something that can be fixed. This is a hormonal thing. This doesn't mean that I'm not grateful. This doesn't mean that I don't appreciate this beautiful home that you've created for us here on this beautiful island. It just means that I'm in it. And you have to allow me to be in it. You have to give me space to be in it. And don't be afraid that I'm not going to get out of it. It's just this is where I'm at.

And unfortunately, he took it a little hard.

Maybe it was the way it came through the tight lipped clenched barely showing canine teeth with a bit of drool.

But I don't care. This isn't about him.

And that's kind of my motto these days. It's like, I don't care. Because my hormones are out of control, and I don't need to be worried about my husband or anyone else for that matter and how to make him feel easy and comfortable about my hormones being out of control.

I've done that all…my…life!

I feel like this is something bigger than the both of us.

Likened to when I was in labor and screaming at the top of my lungs about to give birth to someone I have never met.

Samuel Scrimshaw for Unsplash

Its, not pretty, its messy and loud and uncomfortable as hell…and like I didn't care then how loud a screamed in pain, I don't care now. And there was nothing anyone could do but allow it to happen., no matter their discomfort with my discomfort.

Because in the end I gave birth to something beautiful and all those around me who witnessed the pain of birth and transformation became blessed from it.

So as I am unpacking this phase as birthing of someone new… something new…

You may witness a wild-haired woman bearing her full fangs roaring into the wild unknown.

As long as you don't you see my face wildly plastered as a picture on a pole stating “Beware She Bites”, all has fared well for everyone telling me to snap out of it.

And, from time time, I will be here, on my couch, binge-watching Netflix and completely numb until this passes through my body.

Cause right now…I…don’t…kerrrrrrrrr. 🤷🏽‍♀️

To be continued…

Sherry 🦋